It’s Colonoscopy Time!

EveningGoose (not her real name, obviously) asked me to write about colonoscopy.  Her Mother, Mrs. EveningGoose’s Mother - to borrow the format used by children - gets to have her very first full colonoscopy soon.  [singsong voice]  “I get to be helpful.”

Ahem.  Yes.  To business.

First of all, colonoscopy isn’t that bad.   I know it worries people.  It is a strange medical thing.  You don’t hear much about it in the media.  It deals with [whispering] your bottom.  It sounds uncomfortable, scary and embarrassing.  And, among other things, it checks for Cancer.  

Did you go to that link?  Whole Lea Cow, talk about depressing.  Not exactly welcoming, warm and friendly, is it? 

But the procedure itself is really not that bad.  Let’s start with the name.  Colonoscopy.  A doctor is going to be looking at your colon (the large intestine) through something called an endoscope, which is essentially a long, flexible tube with a camera on the end.  It looks a little like thick coaxial cable – like the stuff that goes from the wall to the TV.   A ‘scope’ of some kind.  A scope for your colon.  Colon-o-scope.  But it’s not really pronounced like that.  If you do say it that way, your doctor will look at you a little funny.  But you can call it a scope.  That isn’t as scary, is it?  Scope is the term we’ll be using.

By the way, the preparation (or prep.) is the worst part.  Also the longest part.  And it’s not as bad as it used to be. 

Your doctor may have sent you to a specialist, called a Gastroenterologist.  This lovely person will perform the procedure, probably in a hospital or other clinical setting.  My Gastroenterologist is a very nice man.  I refer to him as GastroGuy.  Not to his face, of course.  I don’t know how he’d take it.  I don’t think he would be offended, but he may feel compelled to start wearing a cape, or a mask and tights, and that wouldn’t look dignified.  It probably wouldn’t inspire confidence in his patients, either.

Anyway, Your GastroGuy (or GastroGal, or GG) will have given you a list of instructions around the time you booked your scope, or they will be sent to you probably 2 weeks before your scope.  Read These Instructions!

Like the ones for CT, they didn’t write them for the laughs.  They are to help you with the preparations before hand.  If you follow them, the prep shouldn’t be too bad.  The instructions will help make the overall procedure easier for all concerned.

You may have a list of foods you should not eat before the scope.  It’s a good idea to make a menu plan on your calendar, and ensure you stop eating things like, say, poppy seeds or cucumbers or tomatoes when the instructions tell you to.  

You need to stop taking the things in so that they will have enough time to come out before the scope.  Cucumber and sesame seeds can (and will) stick to the sides of your colon.  Your GG will have to remove them to get a good look at your colon walls.  This will be accomplished during the scope with a jet of really, really cold water.  It doesn’t hurt, but it is:

    a) an incredibly bizarre feeling that you probably will not enjoy at all,
    b) a little embarrassing, because it says "I didn’t read the instructions."  

Unless of course you did read and follow all the instructions, in which case your GG will talk to you about it.  Don’t Panic! 

You will not be allowed to eat solids for some number of hours before you take your purgative.  You will not be allowed to consume dairy for some number of hours before you take your purgative.  Trust me when I say this is really, really important.

At the beginning of this post, I said that the prep is really long.  It is.  So, for the sake of readability, I will be breaking this into a few posts.  I want to give a good description/explanation of what to expect, in smallish increments.

Stay tuned!